The Gasp of Cluelessness

I marvel at the poignancy of uncertainty. Have you ever thought you had something “figured out”, categorized, written off into “never question again” territory , only to realize in a “grand-scale-kind-of-way” that you were clueless? You might even gasp upon realization that facts were missing from your analysis? (It’s a beautiful gasp, I might add) Maybe spirit was missing? heart was missing? Something major was undetected; obscured from your understanding and view? Yeah, me too.

It might be that you had taken some option off of the table.  Pragmatic choice.  Ease of life decision. Understandable. Until it’s not. Some would site this categorization as laziness. Some, security. I tend to think that until we are drawn in, awakened by an ‘aha- moment”,  that “we meant well”. The good news is, I believe there’s grace for this moment. I am so grateful for that.

But…

when the dawning comes, what will you do? Pretend? Act like you’re still “sure” even if you’re not? Is honesty something to be ashamed of?  I think not. Honesty is crucial. Humility hangs here in this space- Humility is a resource for growth.

I don’t know it all. Even in my epiphanies, I am so limited. Maybe that is the most valuable understanding in life. The goal isn’t knowledge (contrary to popular opinion). It’s so much deeper. When we’re tempted to make judgments about others in their decisions, that’s probably a BIG clue. We’re probably WAAAAAAY off-base. Yep, grand gestures of “sure-ness” are sure to humble us. Judgments are futile.

Stop.

Just stop.

You are not designed to instruct the world. Give it a rest. You are designed for something much greater.

I know, this can be discouraging. If the goal is superiority, surety, loftiness, this will definitely feel like failure. uggghhhh. BUT, If the goal is growth, love, connection… a smile just crossed your lips. The gavel dropped from your hand. You crossed into new territory. (SMILE) The relief you feel is real. (deep breath). Welcome to a new way of living. I know, the colors are magical, are they not? Take it all in.

Can I just say, there is something more sure than promises and hopes, pressures and expectations  passed from human to human? You’ve been told this by those who NEED to believe it’s true. You know there is more. There is something more powerful and fulfilling- a SPIRIT alive within you. Do not be afraid of it. There is a love, peace, hope and joy written upon your soul. Look at it. Cry. Savor it . Sure, some may ridicule you to scorn for listening to the stillness within.  Let them. It is the only path to peace. It is all that will matter eventually. Those that REALLY love you will cheer you on.

Freedom recognizes freedom.

Freedom recognizes freedom,

yes, freedom recognizes freedom!!!!!!

You were born for this. Know it. Trust it. Search for it.

#beautynearme

#beautyinyou

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You Don’t Belong?

You don’t fit in? Are you disappointed that you find yourself in the midst of something…somewhere, and instantly know you don’t belong? You DO know that this is progress, right? 

It’s like finding an old pair of shoes in the cedar chest. (Do people still use those?) They used to be your favorite. They were so perfect. The fit was “just right” and they were so stylish! But, they don’t fit anymore. Or maybe they don’t fit YOU in your current lifestyle. You’ve changed. That’s ok. You can still appreciate them for what they WERE. Admiration and thankfulness are always in vogue but it doesn’t mean you wear the beautiful heels on the mountain hike. 

We are designed for growth and change, spontaneity and …wardrobe changes. Knowing where we don’t belong (or what doesn’t fit) is really the first step in our new adventure. Maybe it’s time to shop for hiking boots. 

Health Challenges & Dandelion’s Shadow

dandelion shadow

Even the dandelion’s shadow is amazing, don’t you think? But it isn’t a substance you can touch or feel, but a visual representation of the real.

The shadow causes me to look again at the flower, to see minute details I missed at first glance.

Shadows, like feelings can be magical and beautiful,  or sinister and ominous. The feelings that have accompanied this health crisis have shaken me, but also guided me to look for the SUBSTANCE that is casting this shadow. I wonder if in this confrontation, I am becoming more healthy in the way I think and the way I process.  Three truths have surfaced:

  1. We have a relationship with our body. I FEEL that my body is betraying me. This is a shadow. It SEEMS that I cannot trust my body. (so ominous). I woke Saturday morning with a clarity and a challenge. I am being called to change what I believe. I am now accepting this truth- my body is trying to RIGHT itself. It is pursuing balance. I am CHOOSING to believe that these issues (while extremely painful) are allowing me to understand something crucial about what MY body needs, thus allowing me to choose in an enlightened way. What if in this knowledge, I am fueling my body with what it needs to fight an even bigger demon? What if this is FOR me? That is what I’m choosing to accept, knowing my body was created to heal itself. I choose to trust that my body is doing something marvelous. This is in essence, choosing GRATITUDE.
  2. We are intertwined. Our body is not disconnected from our spiritual and mental lives. Our spiritual and mental states affect our body and vice versa. I do not say this lightly. We all know it to be true (ask the cardiologist about the stress factor), but when in a physical challenge, believing this truth can feel incriminating. I am not perpetuating that we wallow in guilt and blame, but I am considering this an opportunity to be open to let this “body challenge” teach me in my spiritual, emotional and mental attitudes.  How can I think more WHOLLY? How can I trust more FULLY? How can I love more DEEPLY?
  3. The identity that I accept, matters. All of us have been “defined” in a neat little box by someone, somewhere in our past. Depending on our family of origin and who we were compared to, we were “identified” in categories. This happens, initially, so innocently. Maybe you have been identified in comparison to your siblings, or community, or giftedness, or ineptness. The problem is that “comparison identification” is an ENEMY. Who are you created to BE? What are your PASSIONS? GIFTS? CALLINGS? PURPOSE? This is the digging that we must do as adults. These are the things that we must let identify us….NOT a “weak” body, NOT a “bad decision” as a teenager, NOT our “failures”!!!!! What is said about us by others is not our identity. Most recently I realize I will not, I must not, accept my body’s perceived weaknesses as part of my identity. What label should you reject?

Like anyone who’s life has been rocked, I am looking for equilibrium. I don’t know all of the “whys” and “hows” of this situation but I’m always looking for the light and love, growth and joy, even in the shadows.

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I wrote this and have waited a few days to publish. Yesterday (5.10) my friend Bethany Crawford compiled and sent a video of some of my friends sending affirmations to me. It was life-altering, divine, needed and accepted with gratitude. I wish to give this gift of love to everyone I know. It has inspired me to carry these truth-thoughts with me, and then to give liberally the affirmations I see in others.

There is beauty in the flower AND in the shadow.

Summer Adventure 2015 update

I never could have imagined the extreme highs and lows of this trip, such magic mixed with chaos. When we put our things into storage, there were family and destinations on the calendar, but the true experiences are so much more than black sharpee ink on the blank days of summer.

We’ve has so many highs and lows in our first two months.

Reconnecting with Friends.  It’s been surreal to spend so much time with friends from all stages of our lives. Meeting up for coffee or dinner. Seeing the sights. It’s a rare thing to bring friendships from the past and usher them into the present. It feels like a chance of a lifetime, to know someone as they are, not just as they were.

Family. I’ve seen relatives that I have not seen since childhood. I saw aunts and uncles  that I’ve missed. I  sipped coffee (mixed frothy with coconut oil) and watched the birds, read scripture, listened to podcasts with mom and dad and David.  These precious times make you feel like the day is destined for greatness. Blueberry picking, fishing, spending the day with my sister, being with nephews and nieces…the special-ness stacks up and humbles me.

Beach walking. Pensacola, Destin, Edisto Island.  While I left my footprints in these places, it is probably more accurate to say they left their mark in me. One particular day, Brooke and I went to the beach together. She came down for a week’s visit. As we got on our floats and rode the waves, I couldn’t help but look over and feel my tears mix with the ocean. She is strong and brave. This summer trip was not on her list of “things to do at 16”.  I am proud that she has carved out space for what she wanted. But I sure do miss her.

Our Business. Wow, how long have David and I desired to work together again!?  I’ve relished watching him connect, coach and learn new skills. We reached a business milestone together last week and could not be more proud to be part of such a great team! I’m asking the hard questions, desiring to go deeper and dream bigger!

One morning in Edisto, David and I got up at 4:30am to ride bikes on the beach looking for sea turtles.  We found the tracks, but just missed seeing her go back into the water. We stayed and drank coffee and watched the sunrise.  We saw a guy there with a time lapse video camera. We chatted a moment then went for a walk.  We got back to our bikes and he left us a note in the sand that he was a photographer. He said he had captured a cool picture of us and to email him at __.

All along the way, we have been reminded of the beauty around us, within us and behind us.  Sometimes revisiting history, highlights the grace, don’t you think? Funny how things re-shape and morph as time goes by.

I made a trip to MO to be with Bethany and help take care of Moses. She miscarried again and had complications. Ir’s another low.  But I can’t help but think how life is so punctuated with many highs. It doesn’t take away the pain, but allows us strength to bear it.

We were each other’s world

IMG_3487We were each other’s world, you and I.  My newly christened mom-hands and your chubby baby face and inquisitive eyes made the perfect combination as we tackled the world together.  And as your world grew, so did mine. I ventured to places quite unknown and relish every time you brought me along and let me learn right beside you. You grew and soared just as you were supposed to, and I wouldn’t want it any other way, you being strong and independent, but so kind and giving. That’s just what I had hoped for your beautiful life.  There’s only a few feet’s difference now between where we started and where you are, but what a difference a few feet can make.  From crawling on the ground, then toddling along holding my hand, all the way to lofty heights, where your heart and mind lives now…what a big difference.  So much represented in that inching along, leg pains, heart pains and all.  I know you need to be exactly where you are, and I imagine on certain days, you peek toward the earth to see that the foundation still stands and there you will see me smiling and cheering you on…still.  Proud as I could ever be, to be your mom.