The Gasp of Cluelessness

I marvel at the poignancy of uncertainty. Have you ever thought you had something “figured out”, categorized, written off into “never question again” territory , only to realize in a “grand-scale-kind-of-way” that you were clueless? You might even gasp upon realization that facts were missing from your analysis? (It’s a beautiful gasp, I might add) Maybe spirit was missing? heart was missing? Something major was undetected; obscured from your understanding and view? Yeah, me too.

It might be that you had taken some option off of the table.  Pragmatic choice.  Ease of life decision. Understandable. Until it’s not. Some would site this categorization as laziness. Some, security. I tend to think that until we are drawn in, awakened by an ‘aha- moment”,  that “we meant well”. The good news is, I believe there’s grace for this moment. I am so grateful for that.

But…

when the dawning comes, what will you do? Pretend? Act like you’re still “sure” even if you’re not? Is honesty something to be ashamed of?  I think not. Honesty is crucial. Humility hangs here in this space- Humility is a resource for growth.

I don’t know it all. Even in my epiphanies, I am so limited. Maybe that is the most valuable understanding in life. The goal isn’t knowledge (contrary to popular opinion). It’s so much deeper. When we’re tempted to make judgments about others in their decisions, that’s probably a BIG clue. We’re probably WAAAAAAY off-base. Yep, grand gestures of “sure-ness” are sure to humble us. Judgments are futile.

Stop.

Just stop.

You are not designed to instruct the world. Give it a rest. You are designed for something much greater.

I know, this can be discouraging. If the goal is superiority, surety, loftiness, this will definitely feel like failure. uggghhhh. BUT, If the goal is growth, love, connection… a smile just crossed your lips. The gavel dropped from your hand. You crossed into new territory. (SMILE) The relief you feel is real. (deep breath). Welcome to a new way of living. I know, the colors are magical, are they not? Take it all in.

Can I just say, there is something more sure than promises and hopes, pressures and expectations  passed from human to human? You’ve been told this by those who NEED to believe it’s true. You know there is more. There is something more powerful and fulfilling- a SPIRIT alive within you. Do not be afraid of it. There is a love, peace, hope and joy written upon your soul. Look at it. Cry. Savor it . Sure, some may ridicule you to scorn for listening to the stillness within.  Let them. It is the only path to peace. It is all that will matter eventually. Those that REALLY love you will cheer you on.

Freedom recognizes freedom.

Freedom recognizes freedom,

yes, freedom recognizes freedom!!!!!!

You were born for this. Know it. Trust it. Search for it.

#beautynearme

#beautyinyou

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My Dear Daddy

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The blessings of a wonderful daddy are so numerous and they keep unfolding like presents throughout my life. Near Father’s Day as I recount the gift of my dad, I always think of those who have had a father but not a daddy. I think of those mourning that their dad’s time on earth seemed too short. I am confident that in all of the grief points, I hear these people whispering “count your blessings, Sonya”. And I do.

I am grateful for my dad who is invested in family. As I’ve become older I realize even more the dedication it takes to prioritize for those we love. I can turn around and see the busy places of my childhood are always punctuated by a dad who gave of himself…still gives of himself. As a child, our family vacations were going to see aunts, uncles and cousins. He was intentional about giving me the beautiful gift of connection. I understand it now only in hindsight. He’s so wise.

I am grateful for my dad who carries my burdens as his own. He always lets me know he’s there for me to lean on. He’s a praying man and I can count on the fact that my name will be lifted to the heavens each day. He recently fasted and prayed for me in my health battles. I have no words for the explosion in my heart. Gratitude rises at the mention of my dad.

I am grateful for my dad who cares. Yes, he’s a strong and mighty one, but he is also tender. I’m sure his male brain got quite the workout raising three girls. 😉 I remember during a teenage heartbreak, dad came in my room and let me sob on his shoulder. And after a while he had me look at him and he said “Well, does it help that I still love you?”.  I laughed through my tears. He has that gift of wittiness. And the answer to that question is “Yes”. “Yes daddy, it IS and always has been a help to know you love me”.

I can’t wait for our next fishing, gardening, eating, laughing adventure together. Because you better believe being with MY dad means we are IN an adventure.

As I celebrate my dad, I have such longing for the world -that this day bring thoughts of gratitude to the surface. And for those who mourn, I long for them as well, that the source of Joy fill each one with much hope.

Happy Father’s Day

 

Health Challenges & Dandelion’s Shadow

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Even the dandelion’s shadow is amazing, don’t you think? But it isn’t a substance you can touch or feel, but a visual representation of the real.

The shadow causes me to look again at the flower, to see minute details I missed at first glance.

Shadows, like feelings can be magical and beautiful,  or sinister and ominous. The feelings that have accompanied this health crisis have shaken me, but also guided me to look for the SUBSTANCE that is casting this shadow. I wonder if in this confrontation, I am becoming more healthy in the way I think and the way I process.  Three truths have surfaced:

  1. We have a relationship with our body. I FEEL that my body is betraying me. This is a shadow. It SEEMS that I cannot trust my body. (so ominous). I woke Saturday morning with a clarity and a challenge. I am being called to change what I believe. I am now accepting this truth- my body is trying to RIGHT itself. It is pursuing balance. I am CHOOSING to believe that these issues (while extremely painful) are allowing me to understand something crucial about what MY body needs, thus allowing me to choose in an enlightened way. What if in this knowledge, I am fueling my body with what it needs to fight an even bigger demon? What if this is FOR me? That is what I’m choosing to accept, knowing my body was created to heal itself. I choose to trust that my body is doing something marvelous. This is in essence, choosing GRATITUDE.
  2. We are intertwined. Our body is not disconnected from our spiritual and mental lives. Our spiritual and mental states affect our body and vice versa. I do not say this lightly. We all know it to be true (ask the cardiologist about the stress factor), but when in a physical challenge, believing this truth can feel incriminating. I am not perpetuating that we wallow in guilt and blame, but I am considering this an opportunity to be open to let this “body challenge” teach me in my spiritual, emotional and mental attitudes.  How can I think more WHOLLY? How can I trust more FULLY? How can I love more DEEPLY?
  3. The identity that I accept, matters. All of us have been “defined” in a neat little box by someone, somewhere in our past. Depending on our family of origin and who we were compared to, we were “identified” in categories. This happens, initially, so innocently. Maybe you have been identified in comparison to your siblings, or community, or giftedness, or ineptness. The problem is that “comparison identification” is an ENEMY. Who are you created to BE? What are your PASSIONS? GIFTS? CALLINGS? PURPOSE? This is the digging that we must do as adults. These are the things that we must let identify us….NOT a “weak” body, NOT a “bad decision” as a teenager, NOT our “failures”!!!!! What is said about us by others is not our identity. Most recently I realize I will not, I must not, accept my body’s perceived weaknesses as part of my identity. What label should you reject?

Like anyone who’s life has been rocked, I am looking for equilibrium. I don’t know all of the “whys” and “hows” of this situation but I’m always looking for the light and love, growth and joy, even in the shadows.

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I wrote this and have waited a few days to publish. Yesterday (5.10) my friend Bethany Crawford compiled and sent a video of some of my friends sending affirmations to me. It was life-altering, divine, needed and accepted with gratitude. I wish to give this gift of love to everyone I know. It has inspired me to carry these truth-thoughts with me, and then to give liberally the affirmations I see in others.

There is beauty in the flower AND in the shadow.

The 7 “Wonders of the World” has Rivals

 

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The 7 wonders of the world has rivals. And I’m not really talking about the “New” 7 wonders. All of them, old and new are majestic, soul-stirring, breathtaking visions, to be sure. But I think the real rivals are nestled amongst the busyness of each day- something just as magical. Dare I say that? Dare I push a little further and say that not ONE day gets missed?

Not one day has missed the sprinkling of the “divine”.

They come in thoughts, visions, segments, sometimes so brief, you could miss it.

Maybe your mind is awhirl and your thoughts are scattered, but you glimpse through the window, the sun-rays are hitting the landscape in a way it never has before. The hue is different. The mood is different. Haven’t you see this a thousand times? Your breath catches at the sight. You realize the REAL difference. YOU are different and changed since “last time”. You smile as JOY invades.

Maybe you woke in the morning stillness…too early. But before you move from the comfort of bed, you hear the bird singing in the darkness. It feels personal, private, necessary. You have been serenaded into PEACE.

Maybe as the day is fading and fatigue is at hand, you glance and see those you love all huddled together, laughing. Heads are tilted back in full abandonment. Even from a distance you can feel the presence and power of LOVE. Everyone is safely themselves.

Maybe your spirits are down and you have no strength. But for one teensy second your eyes drift to look beside you. You see the selfless one who cares for you without complaint. You know you are being carried like a raft in the river riding the current. Directed. Guided. Powered.

I stand behind my claim. The “7 wonders of the world” has rivals.